Survivors
by BonnieD
Summary: An angst-fest involving Ryan, the Cohens and Summer.
1. Default Chapter

"Survivors"

PG-13

This story has been lodged in my brain a long time but I couldn't figure any way to tell it without creating a multi-part saga, which I hate doing, until now. I decided to skip the connective tissue of storytelling and present it in a series of brief scenes much like one of those montages set to music and intended to show the passage of time which follow a climatic event in a movie. It's up to the reader to fill in the blanks between.

* * *

As they stood at the graveside listening to the minister deliver his final, empty words of wisdom, Ryan felt nothing but anger. No. If he was going to be honest, not even anger anymore, just a strange blankness.

He glanced sideways at Sandy and Kirsten clinging to one another, dry-eyed, their faces distorted with fathomless grief. Then he looked at Summer, standing ramrod straight and staring at the shiny wood casket with a slight frown, as if she expected it to pop open and Seth to explain himself to her. Her hands twisted the strap of her little black purse in a repetitive movement.

Ryan noted that neither Summer's stepmother nor her supposedly devoted father had bothered to accompany her today. She looked so little, almost childlike, standing there all alone. He moved a step closer so that he was by her side. His arm brushed hers and she turned her head toward him, distracted from her trance but still frowning, still waiting for an explanation.

Ryan held her gaze for a moment, but there was nothing he could offer. A smile seemed wrong, a shrug inappropriate, so eventually he simply let his eyes slide away, back to the hole in the ground camouflaged by bright green Astroturf and to the highly polished coffin suspended above it.

After a moment he felt cold fingers slip into the palm of his right hand, and he curled his own around them.

* * *

There was only a month left of senior year. It should have felt pointless and surreal to finish out the year without Seth, but actually Ryan was kind of happy to have the routine to give shape to his life. He had a lot of catching up to do after the lost months when it was impossible to concentrate on anything except the progression of Seth's illness. Ryan was content to submerge himself in schoolwork now.

Meticulous note-taking, studying and marching through the minutiae of academics was all that held him together during the weeks following Seth's funeral. That and trying to give support to Kirsten, Sandy and Summer, all of whom relied on him in different ways.

It was painful to sit down to dinner with Kirsten and Sandy and look across the table at Seth's empty chair, but Kirsten seemed determined to have family meal time. During the past months they had fallen into the habit of eating randomly, heating individual portions of Newpsie-donated meals or takeout in the microwave whenever someone was hungry. Now they sat formally again, three of them around a table meant for four, and the silence radiating from Seth's seat squashing any attempts at conversation.

"How was ... school today?"

"Good."

Sandy nodded and then lapsed back into quiet.

Silence had become a constant. Ryan wished he could be more like Seth, that he could fill the void left by the absence of his friend's voice, but it was so hard to talk, so hard to think of anything at all to say. It made him realize how much he and Kirsten had relied on Sandy and Seth's banter to create a tapestry of sound, a backdrop to their lives, a solidly woven cloth to which they need only add an occasional thread. Carrying the burden of conversation was exhausting.

"You should be applying to colleges," Sandy added. "It's getting late."

Ryan nodded. It didn't matter what colleges accepted him if he didn't have the money to go and since it was late spring the deadline had passed for most scholarships. Since he was determined not to accept the Cohens paying for his further education, it meant that he would have to delay college a year; work and save up and apply for a student loan. But he knew that if he told them this plan they would insist on paying tuition so he kept his response down to a nod and delayed the issue.

More silence followed as Ryan and Sandy ate mechanically and Kirsten pushed the food around on her plate. Finally she gave up and set her fork down, pushed away from the table and began to clear dishes. The others followed her lead and another meal was finished.

That was how dinner at the Cohens went these days.

It was marginally better on the nights Summer stayed for dinner. With four people to carry on conversation there might be as many as two dozen words exchanged.

Ryan was surprised at how often Summer still came over. Then he thought about it and realized he shouldn't be. After all who else did she have to hang out with? She had severed ties with her society friends at Harbour when she chose to date Seth and whatever fragile connections remained were broken over the past months when her every after school hour was spent by Seth's bedside, talking and reading to him, feeding and entertaining him in a continuous effort to distract him from his pain.

Ryan had marveled at how upbeat and cheerful Summer continued to be, day after day. To him it began to seem that life had always and would always be like this, an endless stretch of time watching Seth slowly slip away. It was crushingly depressing. But Summer always acted as if the cure were just around the corner. For being a naturally bitchy person she was unflaggingly optimistic, never cut Seth any slack but continued to challenge him with her sharp wit and caustic comments right up to the day he slipped into a coma.

It was the day they realized that Seth probably wouldn't wake from the coma that Ryan finally saw Summer's mask slip. The girl behind it was worn, weak and wasted. Only then did he realize what it had cost her to keep up not only Seth's spirits but Sandy and Kirsten's ... and his own.

She sat on one side of Seth's bed, holding his now still hand, a hand that had always been in constant motion illustrating his words whenever he spoke. Ryan sat on the other, watching first his friend's sleeping face, smooth and peaceful and pain-free at last, and then watching Summer.

He wanted to tell her that he thought her behavior was close to heroic, but he didn't use words like that and besides it would only make her self conscious and irritated. When she glanced up and caught him watching her pale, shadowed face, he simply smiled quickly then looked away.

Summer might not be a saint, but she was one of the strongest women he had ever met.

* * *

A week after Seth died Ryan came home from school and entered the quiet house. He heard someone moving around upstairs.

When he reached the hall leading to the bedrooms, he froze. Someone was in Seth's room, opening and closing drawers. And for a brief moment against all logic he felt sure that if he walked down that hall and looked in the open door he would see Seth furiously rummaging through his desk, saying irritably, "Ryan, did you borrow the newest Legion? I can't find it."

But instead he found Kirsten and a half dozen packing boxes, some of them filled with Seth's clothes.

"Ryan. Good." Kirsten looked up at his arrival and ran a distracted hand through her hair. She glanced around the room as if uncertain what she was doing there then sighed. "They're coming to move out the hospital bed tomorrow and I thought I might as well get started on...." She gestured at one of the boxes.

"But maybe it's too soon." She sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at one of Seth's trademark T's clutched in her hand. "I don't know. I just thought that if I.... if I didn't do it now, I'd never be able to come in here. That ten years would pass and it would be like a shrine I couldn't disturb." She drew a long shuddering breath.

Ryan waited, standing uncertainly in the doorway.

"Anyway, if there's anything of his you want or need...."

He was horrified. The idea of wearing or using any of Seth's things seemed so ghoulish and wrong he couldn't find words to describe it. But he saw that Kirsten was floundering, that she had no idea how to deal with this loss any more than he did, so he answered quietly. "No. No thanks. There's nothing."

She nodded, still staring at the T-shirt in her hands. "I know. When my mother died and we had to go through her things, I didn't think I could bear to keep any of it or even look at it again. But later on.... There was this little music box she used to have...."

Kirsten was silent for so long Ryan wasn't sure she was going to finish the thought. "I should have kept it. ... I wish I'd kept it."

Tears were slipping down her cheeks. He came into the room and crossed to the bed but still stood uncertainly in front of her.

"You don't have to do this right now," he said. "Maybe next month. Sometime when Sandy's home we can all go through it together." He paused, shifting from foot to foot. "You shouldn't do it alone."

Her indrawn breath was ragged and the tears flowed faster as she nodded in silent agreement. "Okay," she managed to force out after a few moments. "Okay."

Ryan held out a hand and she put hers into it. He pulled her to her feet and led her from the room, still clutching Seth's shirt to her chest.

* * *

"Score!" Summer crowed, tossing down the controller and smacking Ryan in the arm. "You're not letting me win are you? 'Cause I can't believe you're this bad."

"No. I really am," he assured her. "It's more Seth's game."

There was a moment of complete silence then Summer retrieved the controller from the couch cushion.

"So, you ready for another smackdown?"

"Sure."

Ryan let her win a third game because it was good to hear her laugh and gloat again.

* * *

One night Ryan passed by Sandy's study on his way out to the pool house. Sandy was illuminated in the glow of the desk lamp, leaning over a legal brief, studying it intently.

Ryan knocked at the open door then stepped into the office. "'night. I was just going out...." He gestured over his shoulder.

"Come in," Sandy said. "Sit down."

Ryan's heart sank. He really didn't want to do that, didn't want to search for things to say or hear a lecture about college applications, but he sat in the chair across the desk from Sandy.

"How are you doin', kid? Everything okay?"

"Sure."

"I was just going through Seth's mail." Sandy gestured to the papers on his desk. "Comicon registration."

Ryan's heart flip-flopped then seized up in his chest with a crushing ache. It was the unexpected little details that did you in.

"You never did get to go to it with him," Sandy continued. "I mean, first there was that Tijuana thing and then last year, well...."

He turned a page of the itinerary for the event. "I wish you could have gone. He really would have liked to share it with you."

Sandy smiled. "I never understood the whole comic book thing but man, I loved taking him every year. He used to get so damn excited. It was like Christmukkuh, Thanksgiving and his birthday all rolled into one. When he was younger, he'd dress up in a costume."

Sandy's smile faded and he continued to gaze off into space for a moment before gathering up the papers and stuffing them back in the envelope. "Anyway...."

Ryan wondered if he should offer to go to the Con with Sandy or something. But neither of them really cared that much about comics and he knew he'd only be a poor substitute for Seth. "I'm sorry," he muttered.

"No!" Sandy's blue eyes suddenly focused on him with intensity. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I just needed to vent a little. I didn't mean...."

"I wish...." For a moment he almost said it. 'I wish it had been me.' But he bit it back. There was no way to say words like that without sounding melodramatic, even if you meant them. Ryan knew Sandy realized he felt guilty for still being alive when his real son was dead. He knew that both of the Cohens understood that without him saying a word.

Sandy got up and came around the desk. He rested a hand on Ryan's shoulder and bent slightly toward him forcing him to look up and meet his eyes.

"Listen," he said, "you have a child and you want to protect him from everything ... from anything that could hurt him, but something like this happens and you realize how truly powerless we all are."

His eyes held Ryan's and challenged him not to look away. "Kirsten and I both want you to understand that we are so ... grateful ... to have you here, especially now. I don't think we've ever expressed it before and I'm sorry for that, but I want you to know that we care for you very ... deeply."

Ryan was mesmerized by those compelling eyes, red-rimmed from crying or lack of sleep.

Sandy continued gravely, "Asking you to live with us was one of the best things we've ever done for our family."

Ryan couldn't hold the look any longer. He nodded slightly but his eyes slid away.

Sandy removed his hand from Ryan's shoulder. "Just remember that, okay?"

"Okay," Ryan barely murmured. He stood up anxious to leave the room before he completely lost his composure. But Sandy wasn't quite done.

His one time lawyer wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a big bear hug. "You're a good kid," he said quietly against the side of his head before releasing him.

* * *

"I got accepted at Lassiter," Summer announced one morning as she approached Ryan in front of his locker at school.

"That's great."

She nodded. "Of course, I have no idea what I'm going to study but...."

A couple of books slid out of Ryan's locker and dropped to the floor. He bent to retrieve them.

"How about you?"

"How about me, what?"

"Ryan, you've got to quit messing around and apply somewhere. It's almost June."

He shrugged and stuffed the books into his bag.

"Is it the money thing again?" she asked. "'Cause you've got to let it go. You've been living with the Cohens for, what, two years now? You know they're more than happy to help...."

"I don't want to talk about it," Ryan interrupted, zipping his bag with a savage tug.

Summer paused, frowning and tapping a foot. "Maybe it isn't about the money. Maybe you're just hiding behind that and there's something more going on. Maybe...."

"Maybe you should look into a degree in psychology since you're so interested in it." He started walking quickly down the hall and she trotted along after him.

"I'm just trying to help." She stumbled on one of her heels and the shoe slipped off her foot. "Damn!"

"I know. Don't." Ryan held her elbow to steady her as she jammed her foot back into the glittery shoe.

"Fine. Whatever." Summer snapped and then changed the subject. "What's Kirsten ordering for dinner tonight? I'll come over if it's not Chinese again."

* * *

Ryan lay in bed and thought about the last real conversation he'd had with Seth.

"The worst thing is I'm so pissed off at how I wasted my life," Seth said. "If I'd known it was gonna end this soon I wouldn't have spent it going to a school I hate and living vicariously through comic books and sci-fi shows. I mean, I have absolutely nothing to show for my seventeen years on the planet and that's just ... sad."

"Seth, don't," Ryan said.

"Don't what? Tell the truth?" He blinked his eyes, long since shorn of their lashes.

Ryan was struck by how doll-like and unreadable a face became without the expressiveness of eyebrows. He couldn't see it but he was sure Seth was raising one. "I haven't done one thing that mattered."

"You think your life doesn't matter to your mom and dad?" Ryan's voice rose angrily. "Or to Summer. Or me?"

Seth shrugged. "Your parents have to love you and that's not what I'm talking about anyway. I'm talking about leaving something worthwhile behind, making a difference in the world instead of just taking up space and breathing the air."

"You made a difference to me. I don't know what would have happened to me, where I'd be now if you hadn't...." Ryan shut his mouth tight. He was suddenly afraid he was going to start crying and he hated that Seth had pushed him into saying what he had long felt but never stated. It was too cheesy and movie of the week to tell somebody he had basically saved your life and transformed you in a fundamental way, giving you back trust and faith in humanity's better nature.

Ryan cleared his throat and began again. "And Summer...."

"Oh yeah, I really changed her life for the better. Made her lose her popularity and taught her the intricacies of geekdom."

"She was partying too hard and she was miserable before she started going out with you and you know it," Ryan admonished, "You're just trying to find reasons to feel sorry for yourself."

"You're right," Seth admitted. "And I don't have to try very hard. I'm in constant pain and I'm reduced to using a goddamn bed pan, all right? So cut me some slack here, man." He smiled, a rictus grin that made him look more like a skeleton than a boy.

Ryan forced a smile in return then changed the subject. "Picked up the new Sandman." He retrieved a plastic bag from his backpack. "Want me to read it to you?"

Even a week before Ryan would have offered a game of Vice City but Seth didn't have the energy for video games anymore.

"Maybe in a bit." Seth was looking white and strained and Ryan knew he'd be drifting off to sleep again in a few minutes. "Maybe you could just ... talk to me for a while. Tell me something about school, about what assholes the jocks are, uh, except you of course, or what stupid assignments the teachers are giving out or even something about Dr. Kim. I just want to hear about something normal."

"Okay." Ryan thought for a moment then started to relate the story of the accident in the chem lab which had ended up with the whole school being evacuated.

He talked for about five minutes and only fell silent when he thought Seth was asleep. Then he heard him murmur, "Thanks."

"For what?"

"Saying I made a difference. Guess you're right." He held up a wobbly clenched fist and Ryan tapped knuckles with him.

"Of course I am," he said gruffly.

"Although it still would have been nice to invent or discover something ... like maybe the cure for cancer," Seth added.

Ryan smiled at the grim irony not because he felt like it but because Seth needed him to.

"Love ya," Seth mumbled. "It's not gay to say it when you're dying."

"Shut the hell up, Seth. You're not...." Ryan's voice trailed off as Seth shot him a look. "Love you, too, man," he finished and leaned in to give this frail remnant of Seth a one armed manly hug.

* * *

Ryan was sitting on the couch filling out college applications and Summer was beside him channel surfing on a Friday night in early June. He was vaguely aware that she had finally stopped on a program, some movie with over the top, swelling music, when suddenly he heard her begin to sniffle and then to cry. He looked up from his paperwork.

The movie was E.T. and it was at the very end where the little alien with the glowing heart was touching the boy's face. Ryan was surprised to see Summer shaking, tears streaming down her face. She hadn't cried once throughout the ordeal with Seth.

"Hey," he said, putting down his pen, moving the papers off his lap and reaching out a hand to pat her shoulder awkwardly. "You okay?"

She turned toward him and abruptly threw herself against him. He wrapped his arms around her, murmuring vaguely, "It's okay. It's all right. Sh."

Summer clung to him, her wet face buried against his neck, her soft hair tickling his cheek, her body half on his lap, and Ryan rocked her slightly and thought, "This is all right. People hold each other when they're upset. I'm comforting a friend."

Finally she pulled away a little, turning her face up toward his. She hastily wiped the back of her hand under her nose and blinked her teary eyes. Her face was so close he noticed how her lashes clumped wetly together and felt her breath when it puffed out, smelling the faint garlic tinge from the pizza they had eaten earlier. Then he knew that it was not all right. They were going to kiss now and 'just friends' didn't kiss.

He closed his eyes and leaned into it, felt the soft yielding lips and tasted the garlic. It occurred to him that he must taste like that too since they had shared the pizza. He thought inanely that he wished he'd brushed his teeth. Then he quit thinking at all and simply kissed her.

Summer threw her whole body into it. Her hands were in his hair, at the nape of his neck, pulling him down toward her. Her breasts were mashed against his chest and her hip pressed into him. He could feel her body yearning toward him and his responding.

It had been a long time since he'd kissed a girl. The summer he spent with Theresa waiting to find out if he was a daddy or not had been his last relationship. They had shared a bed, shared their fears and worries but in the end it had all come to nothing when she miscarried and set him free to return to Newport.

He had spent about two weeks with Marissa that fall before her final meltdown when she was sent away to the clinic to sober up. Then Julie left Caleb gathered up both her daughters and followed husband prospect number three, an oil tycoon she met at a fundraiser, to his ranch in Texas. After that Ryan took a break from women for a while, concentrating on schoolwork, soccer and hanging out with Seth and Summer. He was just beginning to think about dating again when Seth became ill.

He'd forgotten how good it was to hold the warm softness of a girl in his arms, but his body remembered and reacted appropriately. As their kisses grew deeper, they shifted around until Summer was lying beneath him on the couch. He pressed her back against the cushions and that familiar ache, that basic need to get closer, deeper, to get inside blossomed in his groin and swept through him like wildfire.

The conscious part of his brain was clamoring for him to put an end to this, to get control over himself and stop it because getting down with your dead best friend's girl was so wrong. But the lizard brain, the ego, refused to let the words past his lips. 'We should stop now' was not part of his vocabulary.

His lips and tongue roamed from her mouth to the line of her jaw, moving down to caress her neck. He could feel her pulse beating rapidly in her throat and felt the primal urge to bite down. Instead he licked over the pulse point.

Summer gasped and pushed against his chest.

'Good,' his id thought, breathing a sigh of relief. 'At least one of us has some sense.'

He straightened from her neck and sat up, looking into her dark, wide eyes, which regarded him with glowing intensity.

Summer sat up too and held out a hand.

He took it.

"Come on." She pulled him to his feet and led him out to the pool house.

* * *

Afterward, lying with her in his bed, his brain turned back on and guilt set in. At the same time he couldn't stop stroking the smooth skin of her back and feeling relaxed contentment. Her chest moved against his side with each inhalation and exhalation and her hand idly moved over his chest and stomach. It felt so good to cuddle her, to lay with someone else's warm body pressed against his.

But it also felt like he was going to hell.

He thought about Seth in those final days; a sleeping corpse, his skin a lighter shade of pale against the white sheets of the hospital bed. Summer and Ryan had sat vigil, one on either side of him, whenever they could convince Sandy and Kirsten to take a break and rest.

Now Seth was gone, planted in the earth like some insane gardener's idea of a seed, and here Ryan was barely a month later and already boning Seth's girlfriend.

Summer seemed to catch the drift of his thoughts although he never said a word. "We didn't do anything wrong," she said, her breath tickling his skin.

He didn't answer.

"We both needed this. Needed to be close." When Ryan still didn't answer she added, "I loved Seth. You know that. But he would understand. He'd want us to try to be happy any way we could."

"I guess." Ryan didn't want her to feel bad or guilty so he offered the words, but in his heart he was still ashamed.

"I'm serious." Summer sat up, propping herself on one elbow and resting the other on his chest. She looked down at him intently. "Don't let your stupid Atwood guilt complex take over. We were both lonely and we both miss him. Doing this was ... completely natural."

"Okay." Ryan managed a small smile then slid out from underneath her. "You thirsty? Want something to drink?"

He retrieved his boxers from the edge of the bed and quickly slipped them on before heading to the little refrigerator in the corner of the room. "I've got water and, uh, water," he said, looking inside.

He grabbed a couple of bottles and turned back toward the bed.

Summer was sitting in the middle of the rumpled sheets in all her bare-breasted, tousle-haired glory. It sucked the breath out of him for a beat.

She accepted the bottle he handed her but continued to stare at him thoughtfully as she twisted the lid.

"What?" he asked.

"You think you don't deserve happiness," she announced as though it was a revelation. "That's what makes you tick. You really believe it."

Ryan was so taken aback by the scary accuracy of her words that he couldn't think of a comeback for a second then he scoffed, "More pop psychology. Great."

Summer took a big swallow of her water. "And. You're stubborn," she said between gulps. "There's no convincing you any different." She recapped the bottle and stretched to put it on the bedside table.

"Do you charge for the character analysis or just the therapy?" Ryan asked, opening his own water and swigging it as he dropped down on the bed next to her.

"Hey! Watch it," Summer whacked him in the stomach with the back of her hand.

He recapped the bottle and set it on the floor. "Okay. For tonight, no guilt, no doubts, no second guessing," he promised, turning back toward her and running a hand down her arm from shoulder to wrist. Her warm flesh under his palm felt good and solid and ... there. A faint scent of something flowery, deodorant or perfume, emanated from her. He bent and kissed her shoulder.

"Good," she agreed lying back against the pillow.

He stretched out beside her, nestling his head on the pillow next to hers, chin resting on her shoulder, one arm slung across her body. There was the inevitable awkwardness about what to do with his spare arm, which was tightly wedged between them. Summer shifted over to her side so he could spoon up behind her instead and he bent his arm up under the pillow.

"This is nice," she said after a moment, her voice sounding sleepy and unfocused.

"Mm." Ryan thought that maybe they should get up before they got too comfortable and woke in the morning with Sandy and Kirsten glaring down at them. The Cohens' night out probably wouldn't last much more than another hour. But it was so peaceful lying like this and surely a few more minutes wouldn't hurt.

Seconds later he was asleep.

* * *

It was August and Ryan, Summer, Kirsten and Sandy were enjoying a picnic meal at the glass topped table on the veranda. They were celebrating Summer's birthday and a beautifully decorated cake occupied center stage on the table.

Ryan watched his girlfriend as she held her hair back and blew out the candles. She hit every one of the eighteen and sat back, regarding the wisps of smoke with a smug smile.

She would be leaving for Lassiter in a few days. Just the idea of her leaving made him miss her. He wished he could freeze this moment forever.

Already he could see the inevitable path their relationship would take. First eagerly awaiting fall break, winter break, spring break so they could rush home and be together again. But soon there would be new people, new relationships and they would drift apart.

They had shared so little time together, only a few months and most of that under the shadow of Seth. Ryan kicked himself for the wasted time spent trying to move past his feelings of guilt and acknowledge that he wanted Summer to be his girl.

Ryan watched Kirsten, smiling as she handed Summer a gift wrapped box, and Sandy, looking on as she opened it revealing an expensive watch with a slim, gold band. The shadow of grief they both wore immediately after Seth's death was slowly fading. There were only occasional glimpses of it now, darting across one of their faces like a cloud on a blue-sky day.

"It's beautiful. Thank you," Summer exclaimed fastening the watch around her wrist.

She smiled at the Cohens and then at Ryan. His heart started beating rapidly as he pushed his own gift across the table toward her. He hadn't wanted to buy her anything. God knew she had every article of clothing and footwear the mall had to offer. So he had created a more personalized gift but suddenly it seemed stupid and inappropriate instead of sentimental and thoughtful.

Summer ripped open the paper and her mouth opened soundlessly. Finally a little, "Oh," emerged. She ran her hand caressingly over the smooth glass. "Oh," she said again. "It's...." Her eyes glistened with tears and Ryan's stomach dropped.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I thought it would be.... I guess it's not."

"It's perfect," she finished, looking up at him with a trembling smile.

"When you're away, I just thought you might want to remember ... how it used to be."

"God, that night sucked." Summer started laughing as she looked at the photograph of all of them, herself, Ryan, Seth, Marissa, Luke and Anna ranged around the Cohens' living room. Ryan had the Playstation controller firmly affixed to his hand, eyes riveted on the game; Summer was wedged between Anna and Seth on the couch; Luke was poised to stuff a huge handful of popcorn in his mouth; Marissa's mouth was wide open, laughing at something Summer had said.

"Kinda did," Ryan agreed. "I hated Rooney."

"Except for this. This was fun." She added as an afterthought, "That Oliver was so creepy. I thought so from the beginning."

Kirsten reached for the framed photo, which was an enlargement of a snapshot she had taken that night. "Oh, I remember this. You woke us up with all the noise. I came down to ask you to be quiet, but you were all having so much fun I took a picture instead."

"I love it," Summer said, reaching across the table to give Ryan's hand a squeeze. "Thank you."

He smiled.

Later, Kirsten and Summer were in the kitchen talking and laughing as they tidied up. Ryan and Sandy were outdoors wiping down the table and cleaning the grill area. When they were finished they sat down in a pair of patio chairs and admired the sunset. In relaxing, kick-back times like this Ryan still craved a cigarette.

"It's going to be quiet around here without Summer." Sandy sipped his beer. "We'll all miss her."

Ryan didn't reply since the answer was obvious.

"You know, when Kirsten was still going to college I spent a year back in New York. A friend of mine was starting a free legal clinic in the Bronx and wanted me to help him with the project. The plan was to do this for a year and when she graduated, Kirsten would join me in New York. Well let me tell you a New York winter is long, cold and lonely when you have a beautiful woman waiting for you clear across the continent. I became convinced that with the time apart she would finally realize who I was, what kind of punk she was involved with and that she'd find somebody else, someone more Newport friendly."

Ryan nodded. He got that. He had always felt that it was just a matter of time before he was revealed as white trash in expensive clothing.

"But look at us now. Celebrating our nineteenth anniversary this year," Sandy continued. He looked over at Ryan. "If your relationship with someone is strong, it'll work out. You can survive a separation."

Ryan looked at him with a skeptically raised eyebrow.

Sandy laughed. "Always good with the nonverbal. Look. I know it doesn't really make it any easier but for what it's worth, I think you two will be okay."

"I hope so," Ryan said.

Even later, as he stood alone at the very edge of the yard, looking up at the starry night sky, Summer came up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head between his shoulder blades. She felt good pressed up against his back, a warm human blanket against the chill night air.

"Quit worrying," she finally said. "We'll be fine. You just have to trust."

"Not so easy for me," he said.

"I know. Me either. But what else can we do?"

There was a long silence broken only by the chirp of crickets and a faint shriek from Kirsten inside the house followed by Sandy's full-bodied laughter.

"Okay," Ryan finally said. "You're right. ... I trust you."

"And I trust you," she replied. She hugged him hard.

* * *

Ryan took Kirsten's hand and helped her board The Summer Breeze. It was the day before he left for college, a beautiful, bright fall day, and they had decided to have a last sail before Ryan left.

He untied the ropes and cast off and soon they were sailing out of the harbor and into open waters.

"It makes Seth seem close, being out here, doesn't it?" Kirsten said, pushing her wind-whipped hair from her face.

"Yeah. He really loved this boat."

"I'm glad you chose to keep it," Kirsten said. "I remember when we bought it for him. Sandy and I knew he was unhappy here from the time we moved but it didn't get really bad until he went to middle school. We tried to encourage extracurricular activities and spend as much family time as we could to make up for his lack of friends at school. But hanging with your mom and dad isn't the same as having a buddy your age.

"When he showed an interest in sailing we gave him this boat for his eleventh birthday." She laughed. "I was a little apprehensive about giving something so potentially hazardous to an eleven year old, but Sandy convinced me that with a full course of lessons and setting strict parameters it would be a good growth experience for him."

Kirsten gazed at the horizon. "I hadn't seen such joy on Seth's face for years. He fell in love with it."

Ryan thought it was ironic that on his eleventh birthday he had received his bike. He completely understood the enthralling burst of freedom having a mode of transportation gave an unhappy eleven year old kid. It was strange to think of himself and Seth in two different worlds, both flying with the wind, trying to escape their lives.

"I never saw him quite that happy again until the day you came to stay. You were the brother he'd always wanted to have." Kirsten turned to look at Ryan and smiled. "You know, Sandy and Seth were always more intuitive than I am. It just took me a little longer to realize you belonged with us. I hope you can forgive me for that."

Ryan wanted to reply but thought he might choke on the huge lump in his throat if he spoke so he simply nodded and turned to the tiller as if the boat needed steering.

"We'll miss you so much when you're off at school. You have to promise to call and email."

"Okay."

"You won't be that far away. Come home on weekends, sometimes?"

"I will," he said, turning to look at her again.

Kirsten continued to smile in that sweet way of hers and Ryan smiled back, hoping she could read in his face what he couldn't express with words.

* * *

He packed his last bag the next morning then stood looking around the room ... his room, now as empty and bland as when he first arrived. He thought about the day he learned he was going to stay and how Seth had bounced on the bed testing its firmness and prattled non-stop while Kirsten lamented Ryan's lack of underwear and planned to take him shopping.

He thought of the times he had spent in this pool house; hanging with Seth, sleeping, studying, listening to music, kissing Marissa, brooding over his school suspension, escaping the endless round of Newport 'functions,' worrying about Theresa's pregnancy and more recently making love to Summer then lying with her quietly in the afterglow.

Now he would be in a dorm room, meeting a stranger who he had to share space with for the next six months. It was going to be weird not to have this place as a retreat when he was tired of dealing with people.

"It's gonna be awesome," he heard Seth's voice in his head. "Anything can happen. There's so much ahead of you, man. And if you get tired and need a break, you can always come back home. Mom and Dad are counting on it."

Ryan zipped up his duffel, shouldered it and headed for the door.

THE END

* * *

A long time ago I thought that the only way Ryan and Summer could get together without hurting Seth was literally over his dead body, but I tabled the idea until I could find a way to tell it. When I finally wrote this, I knew it had to be more than just a romance story and that Ryan's interactions with the Cohens should be explored. I like it better than the kind of long-winded thing I might have originally written.

I didn't know where to have Summer go to college so I invented the school name Lassiter. And I know she's a bit young – only turning 18 the summer after senior year, but 19 would have been too old and since when does logic play any part in The OC anyway? Plus I think I rushed them ahead a year by putting them in senior year after this summer, but oh well, do any of them really look like juniors in high school?

20


	2. 2

Survivors: A Parallel Story

PG-13

This isn't a second chapter. It's a companion piece telling the tale from Summer's POV. I thought it would be interesting to write the same story from her perspective.

I don't know. Part of me is saying I should have let the original story stand on its own and if you feel this counterpart is crappy or extraneous, just stop reading it and pretend there is only the original one.

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Summer's mind was finally made up. After weeks of wavering back and forth she was going to do it. She was going to break up with Seth today.

It was for his good as much as hers. It wasn't fair to let him keep believing that she still felt the same.

She would do it soon.

Maybe right after school. She'd go over to his house and have The Talk.

Her heart started pounding just thinking about it, and she rehearsed the words in her head again because the last thing she wanted to do was start the break-up process and then choke. This was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do in her life and it reminded her of why she had kept her previous relationships light.

She spotted Ryan at one of the lunch tables and went over to plunk her tray down beside his.

"Where's Seth?" she asked.

"He had a migraine or something. His mom picked him up," Ryan said, swiping a french fry through the blob of ketchup on his plate and stuffing it in his mouth.

"Again? He just had one a few days ago."

His tongue darted out to lick a trace of red from his lip. "Well, he's got another one."

"Either that or he didn't study for the psych test," she said, watching his tongue with interest.

"I don't think he was faking it. He looked kinda pale when I saw him after third period."

Summer felt a mixture of relief and annoyance at having to delay The Talk. She couldn't break up with Seth when he was sick. She was so ready to get it over with and stop worrying about it but now she'd have to wait at least another day.

She sat down next to Ryan and opened the lid of her yogurt. "So, did you happen to take notes for Mr. Kachevski's class?"  
  
"What day?"

"Uh, the whole marking period. I need to study for the exam."

"You haven't taken any notes all semester?" He painted ketchup sun rays coming from the ketchup blob with one of the french fries.

"No." She swallowed a spoonful of yogurt. "Come on. You know you take way better notes than I do.'

He frowned. "You're not going to learn anything if you just cram at the last minute."

"I don't want to learn anything. I just want to pass the stupid class."

"Okay." With a sigh he caved like she knew he would. "I'm busy tonight, but we can study after school tomorrow."

"Good."

Ryan wasn't going to want to study with her after she dumped his best friend, so it looked like she wouldn't be able to have The Talk with Seth until the weekend now.

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Sitting in the middle of the plush cushions on her bed, Summer held Princess Sparkle, gazing into the plastic horse's eyes and addressing her with grave sincerity.

"Seth, there's something we need to talk about. ... No. ... Seth, I need to tell you something."

She clicked her tongue and started again. "Seth, you're the sweetest guy I've ever met, er, known...." She sighed loudly. "Seth, I think you're great and you're, like, my best friend, but there's something I have to tell you."

She gave up, throwing herself back on the bed and tossing Princess Sparkle to the ground with casual disregard.

Why'd stupid Seth have to have a stupid headache today? She had psyched herself up to say what needed to be said, but the longer she waited the more she felt the words slipping away.

And really, was there any good way to tell a guy that you still loved him very much as a friend but that you weren't really physically attracted to him after all?

What made it worse was the fear that she would lose his friendship ... or more accurately, the inevitability that she would lose his friendship. No matter how amicable the split, former lovers couldn't really go back to being friends. And Seth was her best friend. Closer to her than Marissa had ever been. That's why she had delayed this breakup for so long, she couldn't bear the thought of losing him completely. She knew how lonely Newport had been without him last summer.

And Ryan too. She wouldn't be able to hang with either of them any more. It would leave a huge, gaping hole in her social life and her heart.

The phone rang and Summer followed the sound until she found the phone where it had fallen between the mattress and the bed frame.

She checked caller ID. Seth.

Kirsten had told her he was sleeping when she tried to call him earlier. Summer was starting to wonder if he had mono or something with his recurring headaches and general sluggishess lately.

"Hey," she said. "What's up?"

"I feel like crap. How about you?"

"Just doing my math. Did your mom take you to the doctor?"

"Yeah. It's so stupid. He made us schedule, like, all these tests just because of a few headaches. I don't know why he couldn't give me some extra strength something-or-other to get rid of them."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Well, actually..." Seth sounded embarrassed, "my mom said I have to rest some more. If you can believe it, I'm only allowed to talk to you for ten minutes then she's giving me chicken soup, which I hate, and making me go back to bed."

Summer thought about the last time she was sick and how she had to take her own temperature, make her own chicken soup and then drive to the drugstore for cold medicine because there wasn't any in the house. It must be nice to have a mother who actually took care of you.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow at school then ... if you're well enough to come in."

"I love you," Seth responded. "Bye."

"Uh, me too," she answered, sidestepping the words. "Take care of yourself and do what your mom says, get some sleep."

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A few days later, Seth went in for an MRI. After they found the tumor, performed a biopsy and identified it as malignant, the window of opportunity for The Talk had slammed shut. There was obviously no way Summer could or would desert Seth now. She was in this relationship for as long as he needed her, even when he was being a rude, evil-tempered bastard.

Summer had never really seen Seth in a bad mood, at least not one that lasted longer than a brief thunderstorm on a summer day. Extended brooding was more Ryan's thing. But the day Seth found out his tumor was inoperable and he would have to undergo a course of combined chemo and radiation, he fell into a black pit of depression and didn't emerge for weeks. You couldn't talk to him without him snapping his response. Offer to do something for him or with him and he would glance up with such rage etched on his face that all you could do was say, "Okay. Maybe later then." and back out of the room quickly.

"I don't know why my mom and dad still have you guys hauling home books and homework assignments. What the hell is the point?" he complained one day.

"Seth, you won't be sick forever, you know. You don't want to fall so far behind you have to repeat senior year," Ryan said.

If Seth was in the anger stage, Summer thought, then Ryan was definitely still in denial. Personally, she agreed that it was a stupid waste of time and that Seth would be better off playing video games and having fun in whatever way he could, but Sandy and Kirsten had decided he needed some structure to keep his spirits up so Summer pushed their agenda.

"Look," she said, "you can't just lie around watching South Park dvds all day. You might as well try and read some of this stuff."

"Whatever," Seth snapped, pushing the pile of textbooks and binders off the edge of the bed. Loose papers fluttered out as they fell, then the books hit the floor with a bang.

Ryan bent and began picking them up.

"Stop sulking!" Summer crossed her arms and matched Seth's glare. "Lots of people get cancer, and Ryan's right, lots of them get better. Acting like a little bitch isn't helping."

"It helps me!" he said sullenly.

"Maybe you'd feel better if you went outside for a while," Ryan suggested, straightening up with an armload of books. "Do you want to go sit by the pool or maybe take a walk?"

Summer saw Seth's face visibly soften as his gaze shifted from her to Ryan. He could bitch and moan at Summer because he knew she could take it and give it right back, but it was hard to strike out at Ryan, whose constantly worried expression was reminiscent of a loyal dog.

"Ryan, I'm not quite an invalid yet. I don't need to be walked." He heaved a sigh, evidently finished with his mini tantrum. "Let's go downstairs and play a video game."

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Ironically it was after Seth started his treatments and his body began to fail under the assault of harsh chemicals and radiation that he began to cheer up again. The return to his trademark teasing sarcasm was such a relief that Summer almost fell in love with him all over again.

"Hey Summer, what's white and hairless and glows in the dark two times a week?"

"Would you stop those stupid cancer patient jokes? They're sick not funny."

"Okay. But you've gotta hear this next one. You'll laugh, I promise. I heard it at the hospital today. What do you call a...."

"Seth! Cut it out!"

He was suddenly quiet. She looked up from straightening his bedside table. "Are you going to throw up again?" she asked. "Should I get the pan?"

His hand was pressed to his lips. There was a long pause. He blinked his eyes slowly once then focused them on her. "No. It's okay. I'm cool."

"Okay. Just let me know if...."

He nodded then leaned back against the pillows. He watched her clear away used Kleenex, a dirty bowl and spoon, yesterday's newspaper. "Are you done with these?" she asked, holding up some back issues of Games and Spin.

"Yeah. Throw 'em out."

As she bustled around the room tidying up, his voice stopped her. "Summer?"

"Mm-hm." She turned to look at him.

"Why are you ... still here?"

"What?"

"Most girls would have had enough by now. Let's face it we haven't been boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. And I get the feeling that even if I was well, we wouldn't be together ... like that ... anymore."

He had caught her totally off guard and she was not a good liar. "What are you talking about? Seth, you know I love you."

"Why?" he scoffed. "I mean, really Summer, why? There's nothing romantic about ministering to the sick. It's actually pretty disgusting."

"Who cares about romance? I love you because you're ... Seth, my best friend."

There was a long pause as he nodded, assimilating the new status of their relationship.

She continued, "Do you not want me here? Do you want me to leave?"

"No," he said quickly. "Friendship ... is good."

"Sometimes friendship is the best thing there is." She had read something like that on a Hallmark card once, but he didn't need to know that.

She began straightening his covers, leaning him forward to plump up his pillows. As he relaxed back against them once more, she stood beside him, one hand brushing through the patchy remnants of his once-wild hair. "You're going to make it through this," she said. "You'll see."

"You think?"

She leaned over and kissed his lips lightly. "Yes."

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The sicker Seth got the quieter Ryan became. Sometimes Summer wanted to kick him to jumpstart him into talking; his melancholy wasn't helping Seth any. But then she remembered some of the patients' family members she used to see at the hospital when she was a candy striper and realized that not everyone was cut out to cope with serious illnesses. She started assigning Ryan tasks to do so he could feel useful and start to relax and lighten up around Seth.

"Ryan, why don't you run downstairs and fetch Seth's lunch tray."

"Ryan, can you lift Seth up while I pull the wrinkles out of his sheets? He hates wrinkles."

He seemed marginally happier when he had something concrete to do and eventually got over his reticence enough to hold Seth's pan as he vomited without looking uncomfortable and even to smile at some of Seth's morbid jokes.

Still, he was very tense and edgy. It came to a head one day as Summer and Ryan walked across the parking lot to her car after school.

"Shit."

Summer looked to see what had drawn Ryan's attention. A row of vehicles away three upper classmen were harassing a scrawny freshman, who stood small and stoic in their midst while they verbally abused him and confiscated his backpack.

"Hey!" Ryan called. "Leave him alone."

Three heads snapped up in unison and Summer, who was really getting into her psych class, realized that this was exactly what was meant by 'pack mentality.' Ethan, Chris and that new kid, what was his name? oh yeah, Jay seemed barely evolved above wild dogs as they circled their victim and pawed over his possessions.

"Not your business, Atwood. Back off," Ethan said, turning away dismissively.

Ryan let his backpack slide from his shoulder, dropped it onto the pavement and began stalking toward them.

"Uh...." Summer said, trailing after him.

"Leave him alone," Ryan repeated in a low, even tone as he drew closer.

"Jeeessus," Ethan drawled as he swung around to face Ryan once more. "What the fuck do you care?"

"Whoa!" Summer let out a startled cry as Ryan, wasting no more words, charged Ethan and plowed his shoulder into the taller boy's chest knocking him backward several feet. Ethan ended up sprawled on the trunk of Vickie Carmichael's Lexus and without a pause Ryan started driving his fists into Ethan's torso and face.

The rest of them stood shocked into inaction for a moment by the savagery of the attack then Ethan's friends seemed to wake up, moved in and hauled Ryan off their buddy.

The scrawny freshman took the opportunity to grab his backpack and scurry off. Meanwhile Ryan twisted in Chris' and Jay's grasp and flailed at them. When he elbowed Jay in the ribs, the new kid, obviously not much of a fighter backed away from the fray, but Chris matched Ryan's blows. They traded punches while Ethan rose from Vickie's now dented Lexus, cursing and wiping blood from his mouth.

"Fucking asshole!" he yelled coming up behind Ryan. "I think you broke my nose." He drove a fist into Ryan's kidney, which made him drop his guard long enough for Chris to land a solid punch to his stomach. Ryan staggered, the breath knocked out of him.

"Guys, stop it!" Summer shrieked. "Dr. Kim is coming!"

Of course it wasn't true but all of the boys stopped for a moment and looked up.

"Some kid went to get her," she invented quickly. "We've got to get out of here."

"I'm not finished with you." Ethan pointed threateningly at Ryan but turned and ran for his car along with his flunkies.

"Come on." Summer grabbed Ryan by the arm and hauled him along with her.

Ryan was still breathing heavily as he climbed in the passenger side of Summer's jeep. She slid behind the wheel, looked back at the school to see if any authority figures were on their way then started the car and drove away.

"You idiot! What is your problem? You're going to get yourself suspended again and the last thing Sandy and Kirsten need is to have to deal with you and your violence issues." She glanced over at him. He was shaking out his hand and blood trickled from the knuckles. He put his hand to his mouth and licked it off.

"What was I supposed to do? Let that kid get beat up?"

"You could have broken it up without getting into a fight." Summer turned left out of the school parking lot, her heart still beating rapidly.

"They deserved it," he muttered.

Summer was going to add a lot of other stuff about how it seemed like he had enjoyed the hitting and that she understood the freshman geek was a stand in for Seth in Ryan's mind. She even opened her mouth to say it, but when she glanced over Ryan was leaning back in his seat, eyes half closed and looking more relaxed than she'd seen him in weeks. Her mouth shut with a snap and her eyes turned back to the road.

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Sandy drew Summer aside one day as she was headed toward Seth's room.

"I wonder if you could do something for me."

"Sure. Anything."

"Kirsten needs to get out. She's hardly left the house in days and she's barely eating. Maybe you could convince her to go out to lunch with you or shopping or something."

Summer thought Sandy looked like he could do with a day out too. His face was haggard, creased with new lines and his hair was flecked with gray. "Of course, Mr. Cohen. I'll give her a girls' day out. I promise."

She made the promise easily but it was much harder to put into practice. Kirsten took some persuading before she finally agreed to go to a spa and lunch with Summer.

They sat at a café table following a full treatment of facials, pedicures, massage and hair care. Kirsten sipped her latte then turned her face up to bask in the warm, afternoon sun.

"I'm glad we did this," she said.

"Me too." Summer was beginning to think that Sandy's idea had been intended to benefit both of them because she felt a lot better herself.

"Where are you planning on going to school next year, Summer?"

"I'm not sure yet, but somewhere small. I don't think a big university is for me. At least not right away."

"What do you want to study?"

Summer never knew how to answer that so she replied with the usual, "I don't know yet."

"Are there some subjects you're more interested in than others?"

She hesitated. Secretly she was very interested in science and fascinated by medical shows. Her work as a candy striper had confirmed that she was good with sick people, much more patient than even she would have expected. But for some reason it embarrassed her to admit that she would like to become a doctor or maybe a medical technician or a nurse. Maybe because everyone had a perception of her as shallow, it was easier to fall in line with that than to admit to having goals. And no one but no one would ever hear her most private fantasy in which she starred as Summer Roberts, Neural Surgeon.

"What is it?" Kirsten leaned forward, a gleam of curiosity in her eye.

"Well ... I haven't really told anybody this, not even Daddy, but I'm kind of thinking of taking some pre-med classes."

"You want to be a doctor?" Thankfully Kirsten managed not to sound too surprised but Summer still blushed.

"Maybe."

"If that's what you're interested in, then that's what you should study. I think it's great!"

"Really?"

"Of course." Kirsten leaned across the table and touched Summer's hand. Her blue eyes crinkled at the corners as she smiled. "You can become whatever you want to be, you just have to believe in yourself.

"You know," she added, sitting back in her seat, "my dad was very negative about me working at the Newport Group at the beginning. He kept finding jobs for me where I wouldn't have to do any actual work. He still saw me as just his little girl, I guess. I finally designed a whole development on my own time and presented it as someone else's work to make him take a serious look at it. Well, he thought it was great, wanted to meet the designer and move forward on the project. And even then, when he found out it was mine he started to retract his endorsement, to find flaws and make corrections. It wasn't until much later that he finally admitted I'd done a good job, and that was only because he wasn't aware I was nearby when he praised my work in a conversation with someone else."

"Wow!" Summer was amazed by the story. She had assumed Kirsten had always been the confident woman she admired. It never occurred to her that someone like Kirsten might have had to struggle to gain her dad's respect.

"Fathers and daughters," Kirsten said with a shrug, "A complex relationship."

Summer sipped her coffee and thought about it. She figured mother/daughter relationships were pretty complicated too, but damn, if you could have a mother like Kirsten it would sure help.

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When Seth slipped into a coma, the doctor warned them that he might stay in that condition for weeks or even months and it was probably time to hire a practical nurse to come in and help take care of him.

He only lasted four more days.

One of the last times Summer sat with Seth she came in to relieve Ryan but he stayed there for a while in his chair on the other side of the bed keeping her company. She held Seth's cool hand and thought how strange it was that he used to move that hand across her body when they made love. It seemed so long ago. The past few months were the longest she had ever endured in her whole life and she felt completely drained by the ordeal.

Finally she glanced up and caught Ryan watching her. He smiled slightly then looked away.

She wondered what he was thinking.

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Standing by the graveside Summer almost wished she had let her father come with her after all. When he had asked, she told him no, to go ahead to whatever meeting he had scheduled. She knew he never liked Seth anyway and it seemed wrong for him to be there. But now, standing in a cool spring breeze that seemed to cut right through her light jacket, she felt so cold and alone.

She stared at the coffin and at the ugly green Astroturf carpet that covered the hole into which it would soon be lowered. She wondered why they had to use something so ugly and fake looking. It really pissed her off.

Then abruptly she felt her anger transfer to Seth. To her surprise she was really, really angry at him for leaving them all like this. It didn't matter that he couldn't help it. She wanted to whack him in the ribs the way she always did when she was mad and yell, "Damn you, Seth! Cut it out. Quit messing around. This isn't funny."

She felt Ryan's arm bump against hers and looked over at him. Outdoors like this his eyes reflected the sky and looked bluer than ever. It seemed like he was trying to communicate something, but after several seconds he let his gaze slip away back toward the grave.

After another couple of seconds, Summer pressed her fingers into the shelter of his palm. He wrapped his hand around hers and held it tightly. Her freezing hand began to warm.

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And then everything changed.

She had become so used to the routine of going over to the Cohens after school to help out with Seth that she didn't know what to do with herself now that those hours were free. Her own house was so empty and quiet. Daddy and the stepmonster were always off doing something, and Summer soon realized she'd rather be sad with the Cohens and Ryan than sad by herself at home.

They accepted her continued presence without question and for the first time Summer really knew what it felt like to be part of a family.

But her feelings for Ryan weren't exactly sisterly. She had been attracted to him since she first met him, but had banked those feelings down deep inside her like coals in a hearth. One Friday night in early June the coals flared to life.

In a truly spectacular display of temper Sandy had finally gotten through to Ryan about applying to college and allowing the Cohens to pay for it. Ryan was dutifully filling out forms while Summer sat on the couch next to him watching E.T.

She should have known better than to watch that movie. It had always made her tear up at the end when E.T. said goodbye to Elliot, but it was one of those shows it was impossible to flip past without watching. The beautiful score swelled and E.T.'s lifesource throbbed. He pointed to Elliot's forehead and said, "I'll be right here" and Summer absolutely lost it. The pent up emotions she had managed to contain for months burst through and she began to whimper then sob loudly. She dug the heels of her hands into her eyes and tried to control herself but it was useless.

"Hey." She heard Ryan's husky voice. "You okay?"

She turned blindly toward the sound, took her hands from her face and threw her arms around his neck then cried and cried against his shoulder while he held her and rubbed her back and said vague, comforting things.

When she had finally cried herself out, she pulled away, running the back of her hand under her nose because she didn't have a Kleenex. She felt like an idiot. She felt weak and empty and washed clean. She felt ... Ryan's eyes looking at her.

Summer looked up into them and in that instant she knew that something had changed, flipped on like a breaker switch allowing a flow of electricity powerful enough to light up a whole city block. She had time to swallow once and then his lips were touching hers and he was kissing her, slowly and politely at first then deeper and more fiercely, his tongue sliding between her lips and flirting with hers.

She kissed him back, threading her hands through that shaggy hair she had always wanted to touch and pulling him to her. She felt her heart rate rocket like a race car going from neutral to two hundred in seconds flat. They shifted until he was on top of her, his body weight pressing her into the cushions and it felt good and heavy and solid.

Ryan kissed with such intensity and hunger it brought out a matching desperation in Summer. She wanted his kisses all over her; she wanted him in her, so badly that she was about ready to strip off her panties right there on the Cohens' living room couch. Instead she gasped as he licked the pulse point in her throat and pushed against his chest.

He moved off of her quickly as if he'd been waiting for a signal.

She sat up, breathing heavily and reached out to take his hand. "Come on."

Then she stood up and he followed her as she led him out to the pool house.

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"We didn't do anything wrong," she assured him afterward, lying pressed against his side, her words muffled against his hot skin. She could almost pinpoint the moment Ryan's guilt kicked in by the sudden stiffness of his body.

It wasn't like she didn't have her own share of guilty feelings, but Summer was a pragmatist and refused to let her life be ruled by 'could haves' and 'should haves.' Seth was gone, had been for a month now. She had cared for him very much and still missed him every day, but life had to move forward and she refused to feel bad about hooking up with Ryan. He had played a part in her most private sex fantasies for quite some time, a fact she would never, EVER share, and she was astounded-relieved-shocked-elated to have those fantasies actualized.

The sex had been amazing, no surprise, but even more wonderful was the sense of bonding and shared comfort. Summer hadn't felt this content for a long time and she was damned if she would let the shadow of guilt ruin it for either of them.

"I loved Seth. You know that. But he would understand. He'd want us to try to be happy any way we could." Saying the words aloud made Summer realize the truth contained in them. Although she knew Ryan wasn't really convinced, he did concede to put aside his doubts for this one evening and just be in the moment.

As they snuggled in his bed, Summer listened to Ryan's breathing even out and slow down. He was asleep, curved around her back, one arm slung across her. She felt her own eyes drifting closed, but before she slept she made a vow. She would not lose this budding relationship because of Ryan Atwood's misplaced sense of loyalty.

Of course she should have known that nothing involving Ryan and his rigid code of honor would go easily.

To be continued....

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Already Summer's version of events is running longer. I thought it might be interesting to spend some time exploring how the relationship develops from here so I guess I'm breaking it into two parts. Don't know exactly when (or if) I'll finish.

15


	3. 3

Survivors: A Parallel Story – Part 2

PG-13

Thanks for all your reviews. They are MUCH appreciated!

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Summer lay on her bed listening to John Mayer sing about swimming in a deep sea of blankets and wishing that she could dive in with Ryan right now. She sighed in annoyance at his pigheadedness, yawned and stretched luxuriantly then got up because she was running late to her kickboxing class.

Kickboxing was her new passion. She had never been much of an athlete. Anything that required discipline got boring too quickly and over the years she had dropped softball, volleyball, swimming and yoga after a brief dabble in each. But she thought she was going to stick with kickboxing. There was just enough violence to keep it entertaining. And right now this release valve for her boiling cauldron of emotions was essential.

It had been almost two weeks since the night Summer and Ryan had hooked up, and there hadn't been any physical contact since, but even worse there hadn't been any of the usual hanging out. After sex that night, when they woke and dressed and she was ready to leave, Ryan had given her one of those shifty sideways looks of his and said, "Summer, it was really nice..."

"Nice?" her ego had screamed, as she remained silent, arms folded, mouth drawn into a petulant pout.

"...but I don't think we can do this again."

"What are you afraid of?" she had snapped, "That Seth is looking down from heaven judging us? Or that Kirsten or Sandy will disapprove?"

"Neither," his voice took on an edge. "It's just ... wrong."

"Why?"

"Because...."

She wouldn't let him get away with trailing off but regarded him with a steely stare until he continued.

"It feels like...."

"Cheating?" Summer supplied. "Disloyalty?"

"Yeah." He turned away from her. "Look, I'm just not interested in continuing this, okay?"

"Sure. Whatever." She grabbed her purse and headed for the door.

"Don't be pissed," he called after her. "We can still hang out."

"Sure," she said again then quickly closed the pool house door behind her before she started sniffling in front of him.

But they hadn't continued to hang out. That was the worst part. Every time Summer went over to the Cohens she ended up spending time with Kirsten because Ryan was always gone or about to leave on some bogus, invented errand.

Summer hadn't realized how much she relied on Ryan's company to fill her days, especially now with graduation over and college still a vague shape at the end of summer vacation. And that was how she got involved in kickboxing. She signed up for a class at the health club and was soon going there for extra sessions, sweating out her despair over Seth's death, her anger over Ryan's withdrawal and her fears about going off to college.

For the first time in her life Summer understood what was meant by an endorphin rush.

One afternoon she was returning from a session, sweaty, sore but exhilarated, when she found Ryan waiting on her front door step.

"Hey," he said.

"What do you want?" she asked coolly, brushing past him to fit the key to the lock.

"I'm sorry." She looked at him and he was watching her from under those shaggy bangs. "I'm an ass."

"Yes. You are." She entered the front door but left it open so he could follow her inside.

"I said we should still hang out but...."

"We don't. Yeah. Kinda noticed that," she said crisply.

"There's no reason we can't keep on being friends," he said. "What happened was ... a mistake. We can move past it."

"Uh-huh. Definitely." Summer put her purse on the hall table and kicked off her shoes. Ryan trailed after her as she walked to the kitchen and began rummaging in the fridge.

"We're okay then?" Ryan leaned against the counter and watched her pour two glasses of juice.

"Of course." She handed him a glass. "I love getting the brush off from a guy after sex. Makes me feel all warm and cozy inside."

"Sorry," he repeated sheepishly.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Forget it. We're cool now. Just friends like before."

"Good." He sounded relieved and added after a pause, "So, do you want to hang out tonight? Maybe go to a movie or something? We haven't gone since...."

"That time we saw The Grudge just before Seth got sick."

"Yeah."

"Actually Ryan, I'm a little tired from my workout. Maybe another time." Summer couldn't believe she was saying it, after waiting all these days for him to call or show up on her doorstep like this, ready to talk. But having the power to shoot him down was too irresistible.

"Okay." He nodded and set down the glass of juice, untouched. "I should probably go then...."

She instantly relented. "I didn't say I didn't want to hang out. I just don't feel like going to the movies. We could rent a video or play X-Box."

"Cool." One of those quiet smiles quirked his lips and lighted his eyes and Summer felt her heart melt a little more. His self-deprecating charm was undeniable and she couldn't stay pissed at him even though he deserved it.

Soon they were in the living room, battling away at Summer's new game, Naki Ultimate Kickboxing Arena.

For a short while things returned to pre-sex normal between them. Again they were simply friends who hung out together.

For about six days.

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Another month, another fundraiser, Summer thought as she chose her outfit for the evening's soiree. This particular black tie affair was non-negotiable as far as her father was concerned. One of his associate's sons, a sophomore at Cornell, was home on vacation and Summer was to be partnered with him for the event. It was more of a demand than a request and since her father rarely asked anything of her and she had nothing better to do this Saturday evening, Summer had agreed.

Sparkly or slinky? Colorful or classic black? Long or short? High heels or even higher heels? There were so many fashion decisions to be made. Summer suddenly realized she was having fun. It had been a long time since she'd paid this much attention to her wardrobe or had taken the time to really dress up and go out.

Her phone rang. She checked caller ID. It was Ryan.

"Hey. What's up?" he asked.

"Getting ready for tonight."

"You're going to the fundraiser?"

"Yeah. You're not?"

"Kirsten and Sandy are but I weaseled out of it. I was wondering if you wanted to go shoot some pool or something, but I guess not."

"No. I have a date." The silence which followed her announcement was pretty gratifying. She didn't bother to add that it was a mandatory set up by her father, letting Ryan draw his own conclusions.

"A date?" He finally said sort of breathlessly.

"Yeah. Well. I have to go now."

She added casually, "Maybe I'll see you later this weekend," then hung up with a big smile on her face. It wasn't like she was actively trying to make him jealous, but that long, shocked pause had felt really good.

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Richard Allen Clark III turned out to be a really nice guy. He was pre-med at Cornell so Summer had a lot of questions for him about the program. And besides being interesting he was also extremely easy on the eyes; he had that chiseled, perfectly coiffed, Ken doll look which Summer used to really go for before she fell for emo-Seth and then scruffy-Ryan.

It felt good to be swept along on the arm of a tuxedo-garbed escort into the glittering interior of the banquet hall. He held her chair as she sat down at the table then sat beside her.

"It's been a little challenging but so far the workload hasn't been too outrageous," he finished his assessment of his college courses

Summer wondered by whose standards. She wasn't by nature a hard worker and she considered again that her dreams of entering the medical field might be just that – dreams.

Across the room she caught sight of Kirsten in a simple, white gown entering the room. Summer thought white was a mistake, making Kirsten look even paler and thinner than she normally did these days. Flanking her on either side were Sandy and Ryan, both looking well-tailored and handsome in their tuxes.

Summer suppressed a smile. She had never known Ryan to attend willingly an event like this. If he had managed to talk Kirsten into letting him stay home, there was no reason he would have changed his mind and decided to come except one – he was here to check out her date.

In the same moment that she took pleasure in that fact, Summer's heart ached for the missing member of the Cohen family. Seeing them like this, at a distance, as a family, she was struck anew by the gaping hole where Seth should be. It was like having a drawing of something in which one of the elements had been erased leaving behind a faint trace of pencil and the feeling that the picture was now incomplete.

"Is something the matter?" Richard asked, looking from Summer to the Cohens and back again.

"No. I...uh...lost a friend recently and was just thinking about him."

"I'm sorry." He repeated the rote response given to the grieving probably since the beginning of time.

"Thank you," she replied absently, fingering the stem of her water glass.

For a moment Ryan glanced up and caught her eye then looked away again, following Sandy and Kirsten to one of the tables. When he sat down Summer could no longer see him for all the people in the way. She turned her attention back to her dinner date.

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After dinner, there was dancing.

Richard III was a good dancer, who elegantly guided Summer across the floor instead of performing the usual awkward schoolboy shuffle. She was surprised at how much easier it was to dance formally when your partner knew what he was doing.

Looking past his shoulder, she saw Ryan again, sitting with the Cohens and staring at her. When he saw her seeing him, he quickly turned his attention back to Sandy, said something then stood up from the table.

Summer half expected Ryan to head toward her, to cut in and ask for a dance. She should have known better. She tilted her face up to reply to something Richard had said and when she glanced back over at the Cohens' table, Ryan was gone.

She didn't see him again until much later that evening.

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She was dressed in her fleecy cloud pajama bottoms and a tank top, pulling back the covers to climb into bed when the phone rang.

She checked caller ID before answering, "Ryan?"

"Hi."

"What's up?"

"I just wondered ... uh ... what you were doing."

"I'm getting ready for bed. Why?"

"Oh."

"What is it?" she pressed.

"I wondered if you wanted to ... talk for a while ... or something."

"About...?"

"I don't know." He cleared his throat. "Never mind. I was.... Forget it. I should probably go home."

"Go home? Where are you?"

"Uh ... in your driveway."

Summer leaped off the edge of her bed and ran to the window to pull back the curtain. Sure enough, the Cohens' Range Rover was parked halfway up her drive.

"Did you... Did you want to come up or something?" she asked.

"Well...."

"Daddy's home. I don't think it would be a good idea." She paused. "Wait a minute. I'll be right down."

Before he could say no, she hung up and ran downstairs and out the front door. Her bare feet padded across the cold concrete of the driveway.

She opened the passenger side door and slid into the seat next to Ryan. He was still dressed in formal clothes but with the tie off and the jacket removed. He looked really good in just a white dress shirt and vest. Summer was suddenly aware of her lack of attire. She hadn't even bothered to throw on a sweater and her nipples were peaked against the thin fabric of her top. She crossed her arms over her breasts so he wouldn't notice.

"So what's up?" she asked again.

He shrugged and Summer thought that if he got any more eloquent she would smack him upside the head.

"Look, is there something you want to say to me or...."

"Who was that guy?" he blurted out simultaneously.

"Does it matter?"

He stared at her; the light glinted off the whites of his eyes. She sighed, gave in and quickly explained her arranged date for the evening.

"Oh." He visibly relaxed, leaning his shoulders back against the seat and his head on the headrest.

They sat in silence a few moments then Summer made a decision and plunged in. "Ryan, did you stop to think why it bothered you to see me out with someone?"

Again he only mustered silence and a sideways look.

She waited a couple of seconds more then let out a cry of frustration and reached for the door handle. "Forget it!"

"Wait!" He reached out and touched her arm. "Don't go."

"Why should I stay?" she demanded, returning his stare.

"I think ... maybe I was wrong the other night. About not seeing each other except as friends..."

Summer out-waited him.

"I want ... more than that." He paused. "If...if you do."

She continued waiting, forcing the silence back at him for a change.

"I still don't know if it's right or not but...." He searched her face. "Do you?"

"Do I what now?" Summer asked, deliberately making him work for it.

"Do you ... want more?" he stammered. "Do you want to ... be together?"

Summer paused, sniffed, smoothed an imaginary wrinkle out of her shirt then glanced over at him. "Maybe," she said ungraciously. "It depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you're planning on sneaking around because you're afraid of what Sandy and Kirsten might think of us being a couple. I'm not sneaking. We either do this or...." She didn't know what to add as an ultimatum because of course she wasn't going to quit hanging around with Ryan even if they never had a romantic relationship.

He nodded slowly. "Okay. I get that."

"All right then," she agreed.

In the darkness, he reached over and found her hand. He held it and rubbed his thumb up and down her palm sending shivers through her. "There's not much time left before fall," he said quietly, staring intently at their joined hands. "It's kind of bad timing to start a relationship."

"Great, Ryan, way to kill the moment! You're so romantic." Summer scooted across the seat and leaned toward him, guiding his face to hers with her hand on his jaw. "You'd better shut up and kiss me before you say something else stupid."

He pressed his lips against hers then and his hand slid from holding hers all the way up her arm to cup her shoulder. She felt streaks of fire trailing from his fingers as they passed over her skin.

After several long, slow kisses, Summer pulled away to add, "Besides, it doesn't matter if we have two months or only two minutes to spend together, it's still worth it. You know that." She was thinking of Seth when she said it. The way he looked - so still and white in his coffin, devoid of movement, energy, life force. There really was no time to waste in this world.

Then she quit thinking of Seth and concentrated on Ryan, here and now and very much alive under her roaming hands.

His arms went around her, drawing her as close as he could in the awkward confines of the vehicle. They kissed some more and one of his hands moved up to tangle in her hair, cradling her neck and pulling her even deeper into the kiss. Summer was breathless when he finally let her go and more than a little ready to move into the relatively spacious back seat of the Rover.

She glanced at her house. "I should go in," she said reluctantly. "My dad is probably going to come out here any minute."

Ryan nodded, but his hand kept stroking up and down her pajama-clad thigh and he dropped his head to lay light kisses on her naked shoulder. "Yeah. You should," he murmured.

"Or..." Summer wiggled a little under his touch as his hand crept toward her inner thigh and just a little higher up with each stroke. "I could run back in, put on some clothes and we could take a drive to the beach or something."

"That'd be good." His voice was muffled against her skin. She felt his tongue lick her upper arm and shivered.

With an effort Summer extricated herself from his grasp and got out of the vehicle. "Be right back."

"Hurry," he called after her.

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They drove to the beach and stayed there rocking the Range Rover until the sun rose behind them, casting the blue shadow of the vehicle across the sand and delineating the breakers with a pinkish hue.

It was the beginning of a good day.

A good week.

Two very good months together.

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On Summer's birthday in August the Cohens and Ryan had a picnic to celebrate. Sandy exercised his little used grilling skills and seared some steaks. Summer was glad she'd given up her vegetarian diet after Marissa moved away. She really did enjoy a juicy hunk of meat.

Speaking of which.... She looked over at her boyfriend who was laughing at one of Sandy's goofy lawyer jokes. Ryan seemed so relaxed it was almost difficult to think of him as the same person she had met two years ago the night of that stupid fashion show. But then she realized he wasn't and neither was she, thank god. Life had happened and death had happened and a hundred little changes happened every day which forged you into something new until you suddenly realized you weren't remotely the person you used to be.

She was eighteen now, legally an adult. Legally Ryan could no longer be accused of statutory rape. Summer grinned at the ludicrous notion.

Ryan caught her smile and returned it and they exchanged one of those long, meaningful looks which got Summer's underwear wet as she pictured where that look would lead them later in the evening.

After eating a salad and Sandy's delicious steaks and blowing out the candles on her birthday cake, Summer opened her presents. She received a lovely gold watch from Kirsten and Sandy and smiled at them both as she put it on her wrist.

"It's beautiful," she said. "Thank you."

Summer was still amazed at how graciously the Cohens had accepted her changed relationship with Ryan and how almost unsurprised they were by it. She was seriously grateful for their warmth and generosity in treating her as an almost-daughter. She looked at Kirsten's lined face and thought that if she could one day be even a quarter the mother that Kirsten was then her future kids would be very, very lucky. Somehow Summer doubted that she could pull off motherhood without fireworks and lots of yelling.

Ryan pushed his present toward her across the table and Summer thought he seemed nervous. She broke the suspense by seizing the package and opening it quickly.

"Oh," was all she could manage on seeing the framed snapshot of the old gang. She was hit by a barrage of memories, overlapping and spilling over until her vision was blurry with tears.

"Sorry." Now Ryan not only looked worried but sounded it too. "I thought it would be.... I guess it's not."

Summer rushed to reassure him. "It's perfect."

"When you're away, I just thought you might want to remember ... how it used to be."

"God, that night sucked." Summer laughed as she recalled it, Ryan admitted that he hated Rooney and soon both of them were throwing out memories of Seth, Marissa, Luke and Anna.

After a while Summer and Kirsten went inside to clean up the kitchen while Sandy and Ryan took care of the grill

Summer was wiping off the counter when, unexpectedly, Kirsten came up beside her and hugged her shoulders. "It's so nice having you around. I didn't realize what I missed not having had a daughter."

Summer was so pleased and embarrassed all she could do was blush and awkwardly return the hug. "Love you too, Mrs. Cohen."

"We'll miss you so much when you leave for school," Kirsten said. "Are you nervous?"

"Kinda. I've never really been away from home, except for summer camp one year and Marissa was with me there."

"It's quite an experience, going off to college. A big change."

Summer thought about that. She wondered if Kirsten was trying to tell her something. She shrugged. "It's only a couple of months then we'll be home for Thanksgiving break and Christmas only a month after that."

"A lot can happen in a short time when you're someplace new."

"Well, I've already been through enough changes this year. I don't think I'll have any more, thank you."

Kirsten smiled but Summer thought her eyes looked sad. "I understand." She nodded. "But don't limit yourself. Don't be afraid to grow."

"I won't." Summer turned her attention to rinsing out the sink and Kirsten put the pitcher of lemonade in the fridge.

"Mrs. Cohen," Summer said, as she turned from the sink, wiping her hands on a dish towel, "Growing up doesn't have to mean growing apart."

"No. Of course not."

Kirsten didn't sound like she really meant it so Summer added emphatically, "I have a five year plan, you know, and you might not think it, but once I really make up my mind about something I don't let it go."

Kirsten only smiled. Summer still didn't think she really believed her and why would she? All the woman really knew of Summer was that she had loved Seth and then switched her love over to Ryan. It wasn't the greatest track record.

But Summer knew how she felt and she was confident that nothing would change her course now.

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The day she left for school both Ryan and her father took her to the airport. That was one awkward ride. If her dad had been condescending about Seth, at least there had been the Nichols' fortune to make him more palatable. For 'that kid from Chino' her father could barely spare a polite word.

After they had checked in her luggage and Summer had hugged and kissed her dad, he was tactful enough to stand at a distance while she said her goodbye to Ryan.

Ryan looked intently at her face as though trying to memorize her. She couldn't take the intensity of his gaze and broke the mood by rising up on her toes and kissing him.

"See you at Thanksgiving," she promised lightly. "It's not so far away."

"No. I guess not."

"'Trust,' remember?" She touched his cheek. "We'll be fine."

He nodded once then kissed her again, wrapping her tightly in his arms.

She clung to him, pressing herself against him so she could take away a sense memory of what his body felt like. Then she pulled away. "O-kay. We'd better cool it before we give Daddy a coronary."

He grinned down at her, "Would that be so bad?"

Summer was relieved to see his mood lighten. "Shut up!" She slapped his chest. "You'd better find a way to get along with him. You may be related some day."

"Oh, you think?" he said, raising his eyebrows.

"I know," she replied smugly.

"You're presuming a lot," he teased.

"No. Just planning ahead." She kissed him once more then picked up her carry-on bag, "I'll call you when I get there."

She waved goodbye to her disgusted looking father and headed for the gate.

"Summer..."

She stopped and turned. Ryan was giving her the sad eyes and melancholy smile again. She wished there was something more she could do or say to allay his fears.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you, too." There was nothing for it but to walk over and throw her arms around him one last time after an exchange like that.

"I'll see you soon," he said firmly as they separated again.

"Just a couple of months."

She started for the gate again and this time she didn't look behind her until she had passed beyond it and it was too late to turn back otherwise she wasn't sure she would ever be able to leave.

Ryan gave her a little wave and she gave him an air kiss then she turned and joined the queue waiting to board the plane.

The End

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I matched Summer's story up to Ryan's as closely as I could. Any discrepancies between the tales are intentional. No one sees facts or motivations exactly like someone else. For example, while Ryan is melancholy about the future at Summer's birthday, she is much more confident that they will have a future together and kind of oblivious to Ryan's more pessimistic view.

Now, on with the real show. Only four more days 'til we get to see Ryan in all his scruffy, construction-worker glory!

14


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